Congratulations, You Have Won! [entries|friends|calendar] There's a reason why my soul's unsound. [ website | MySpace Bullshit ] [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

I Know I've Been Nonexistant Lately [08 Jun 2006|01:12am] [ music | None ] The truth is I've been a little nonexistant to myself too. I don't quite know how to describe that in detail at all. I can't really describe any of what's happened to me in the past year. I guess that's why I don't write much anymore. I'm lost. We're moving in a week to a much, much nicer apartment. I need to find a better job. Things have to change. I think I've just been hiding from myself. I'm at the beginning of a downward spiral, and I have no idea where it's headed. I'm trying my hardest to stop it. Physical symptoms have begun. It's terrible that there's nothing I can do about it. I'm not even sure what I'm trying to say here. Maybe I just want my voice to be heard again, at least by myself. Dave says I'm driving myself crazy. I know I am, but what I don't know is how to stop it. There's no way to stop stress this integrated in my daily life is there? 7 know they're right| Let's talk about someone else.

Love! <3 XOXO [30 Dec 2005|04:03pm] [ mood | joy joy joyous! ] [ music | Mindless Self Indulgence - Bullshit ] Thanks to everyone who has wished me a happy birthday so far and to all of those who will continue to do so. Remembering is the best present of all. Well, except for the one that I bought myself. I went ahead and bought myself what I really wanted. Wish I had pictures, because then all of you little stoners would be jealous. This is the best birthday I've EVER had. [Then again anything would top going to the ER last year] 8 know they're right| Let's talk about someone else.

Happy Birthday to Me [30 Dec 2005|12:27am] Happy Birthday to me Happy Birthday to me Happy Birthday dear meeeeee Happy Birthday to me! In case you didn't get the hint I happen to be turning 19 today. One year to go until I'm not a teenager anymore. 9 know they're right| Let's talk about someone else.

[25 Dec 2005|09:54pm] I thought that the last thing that I could ever want on Christmas was to be this sick. But the last thing that I wanted today was for you to fucking make me cry. Sometimes I wish I'd never met you. And ever since I've been sick you've neglected to take care of me. I want to fucking punch a brick wall. 1 know they're right| Let's talk about someone else.

Happy Holidays [25 Dec 2005|05:20pm] I hope that everyone that celebrates Christmas had a very merry one today (or are still in that process), and that those who don't celebrate Christmas are enjoying their own holiday season. My mother, once again, overdid everything -- even showering Mike with gifts. And I came out with $150, plus a bunch of gifts and some gift cards. More to come in 5 days when I turn 19. I just wish that someone would clean this damn apartment for us for Christmas. I went into a feverish downward spiral from Thursday until last night/this morning, and I hope that I never get that sick again due to the fact that my apartment is now in the worst state it's ever been in. And I still don't have the energy to clean. As a matter of fact, this Christmas thing has sucked all of the energy out of my body that my flu didn't. I'm sick of sleeping my life away or else I'd be right back in that bed right now. In conclusion, Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays and all that jazz. Thanks for everything! Let's talk about someone else.

[23 Dec 2005|02:54am] I'm fucking sick as hell. I've been running a fever all day. I couldn't go to work, which fucking sucks. And to top it all off Mike is fucking mad at me. Just what I fucking need. I already feel like I want to fucking die. Nothing has made me feel better all day. I can't even enjoy hitting a fucking bong. God I hate my life. And Merry Fucking Christmas to all of you too. 1 know they're right| Let's talk about someone else.

Tis' the Season for Changes [04 Dec 2005|05:16pm] So I quit smoking cigarettes on Friday. Who knew quitting could induce such nausea? Shit. I threw up at work today and got sent home. Funny thing was about 30 seconds post vomiting I had to help two customers. People expect you to help them when you're standing behind a customer service desk for some reason. Mike is quitting too. I never thought I'd live to see the day. Today is his last day. Oh damn, and he's going to be 23 on the 13th. We put a deposit down on cable 'net and basic cable TV which should be installed on Friday. My laptop is being a little douchebag though and keeps crashing. :( Oh, and we're going to NY in February from the 13th to the 19th. Hurrah! Let's talk about someone else.

[01 Oct 2005|04:56pm] I am sick of your shit and everyone else's too. I'm sick of time. I'm sick of money. I'm sick of the words that are constantly battering my brain. I'm sick of pills and lies about second chances. I'm sick of the distance between myself and nearly all of what I hold dear. And I can't believe that I don't have time to get ready for MSI because of laundry. As usual, I'm going to look like shit. Wish me luck. MSI -- Here I come. You can't hide. 7 know they're right| Let's talk about someone else.

[22 Sep 2005|03:17pm] Everytime I get online I'm reminded of everything that I've been forced to walk away from. It's not a good feeling. I've had a lot of trouble getting to sleep lately. I just go kind of nuts in the wee hours of the morning now. My cat hates it. I hold him until he meows at me. Then I let him run away and grab him again. God, aren't I an annoying mother? Don't ever let me have kids...even if it means that Mike will leave me. Starting tomorrow I get to work 8 days straight. The good news is that at the end of my journey through hell there's a pot of gold in the form of a weekend off and an MSI concert. Working out has done a lot for my body even in just a week and a half. I have muscles again. However, as of right now I'm still a fat cow. Fat. I started taking Trilafon again. I just don't know what else to do. It hasn't helped so far...not much, anyway. I'm not depressed anymore, but I'm certainly not balanced. If I fall apart will you pick up the pieces and throw them into the trash for me? I'd really appreciate it. Ah, and I'm poor as hell. When am I not? Shit. 2 know they're right| Let's talk about someone else.

Life Goes On (without me) [15 Sep 2005|07:52pm] [ mood | fractured ] Been journaling in my real journal a lot more lately. It makes me happy, but not satisfied. Everything's gone all out of sorts lately. I can't put my finger on it, but things are changing before my own eyes. I don't want to deal with it anymore. Been sick. Haven't been eating well. Violent tendencies flaring. Craziness. I don't even know if I ever make sense. I'm trying to put together pieces without letting myself see them. It's rough on a girl. Going back on meds if I can find the damn things. You'd think it'd be easy to find something when you live in 600 sq. feet, but...fuck it. Mike thinks I need them. I think that if I'm going to keep this job then I have to. I don't want to. I don't know what I want anymore. What? I can't hear you. 1 know they're right| Let's talk about someone else.

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